Oh, the Humanity! (June 16, 2011)

Hey, get this: According to a bunch of scientists that recently met in Las Cruces, New Mexico, earth may be in for a few years of cooler temperatures (sorry, Al Gore). Sunspots&#151in case you don’t know&#151account for much of our heat, and sunspots are expected to “vanish” for a few years beginning sometime after 2013. It’s called solar hibernation.

Turns out, this is nothing unusual. Our blazing ball in the sky goes through theses cycles about every eleven years; and while usually not a big deal (hell, I thought the sun always had a lot of sunspots), the sun going through a cycle where most, if not all, of the spots are expected to disappear is. [Harold Camping followers can stop reading here for obvious reasons] (http://jamesmayor.com/may-20-2011-last-issue/). The last time the sun had so little activity was during the Maunder Minimum (sound smart, don’t I?) when earth (especially Europe) had extremely cold temperatures (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Ice_Age). To give you an idea, the River Thames sometimes froze during that period!

So…are you ready for the warnings and dire forecasts? You know that’s what we’ll see and hear if this decrease in sunspots actually happens, right? The nannies will be telling us we have to stop using air conditioners, because the cold leaking from our houses causes global cooling. They’ll dictate that drinks be consumed without ice, our children stop using cooling packs to keep their school lunches chilled (separate rooms for those that insist), that we encourage the use of hair spray with chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) so we can thin the ozone layer and allow heat in…God,the list is endless.

They’ll have the government conjure up some statistics showing (unequivocal evidence, of course) that several dozen children forced to sit in a room full of chill packs while consuming cold drinks all froze to death. Next come the laws: no drinking cold drinks in city parks or on city beaches, no using hair spray in the hallway of a public building, etc., etc. Of course, in keeping with how our country is now run, those that want to risk of drinking cold drinks and using air conditioning won’t be able to. Restaurant owners that think they can have separate areas for those using cold products will be fined until they shape up and deny everyone the right to consume something cold.

Oh, the humanity!